The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18, NIV)

It's been more than a week since I experienced grief that made me stumble as if I was on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. When asked how I was doing, my canned response was that I'm sad and tired but I'm okay. Unfortunately, instead of undergoing the process of grief in a healthy way, I became numb and failed to acknowledge that I was still hurting which was way more difficult than I could ever imagine.

Within a few days, I started feeling bad. I was physically exhausted and experiencing a lot of aches that I couldn't explain. Emotionally, I started to feel withdrawn and unhappy about a lot of things. I was functioning but it felt like I was just dragging myself just for the sake of saying I'm okay. It was then that I decided to be honest with the Lord about what I'm feeling.

Meditating on Psalm 73, the Lord spoke to me about anxiety, discontent, struggles, and most importantly, His grace.

I honestly didn't feel anxious although someone told me during a conversation that maybe the reason I wasn't feeling okay was because of anxiety. As I was meditating the Word of God, I came to accept that I was anxious and that is affecting me not only emotionally but also spiritually and physically. I was denying what I was feeling for the sake of being strong.

Once I accepted the fact that I was feeling anxious, the next question I asked myself was why. The answer was in discontent which stemmed from the fact that I was making other people as the basis of what I should be feeling or how I should be doing things. When we do that, either we wonder why they’re more successful than us or we wonder why we seem to lack struggles as hard as they experience. In short, I was questioning myself why I don't seem to be following the step-by-step process of grief that other people commonly experience.

Okay, I kept telling myself before that there is no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with stuff. I didn't expect that I would fail in this aspect. The reality is that we face different situations and we go through stuff at different paces. We only need to know one thing, that God is our refuge. He holds us in His mighty hands.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by right hand. v24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. v25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. v26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:23-26 NIV)

I was lovingly rebuked by the Lord. I was trying so hard to act like everything's fine, that I'm okay. Instead of healing, I became more wounded. However, God reminded me that struggling is not something to be ashamed of. I must stop being deceived with the thought that a “not okay” heart is not acceptable in the presence of the Lord. All the more I must come near God.

At this point in time, I'm not afraid to admit that I'm still grieving. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years before I am done but that doesn't define who I am in the Lord. What I'm holding on to right now is that God's grace is sufficient for me no matter what I'm going through.